the courage to start, and the humility to start again and again

Has it been six months since I last posted here? It felt like a lifetime has been lost. And it was because one guy in the office messed up his job so badly, and I was among the girls who had to pick up the slack. In my work life, I have been through this a lot of times before.  The men mess up and the women clean up and put  humpty dumpty back together again.

As a result, I have grown a fat belly (34 inches, a first) and have known no other dimension about living but the pressures at work. Finally they got a new guy (hopefully a better one) and I can look at getting some time off. At least some time to sleep eight hours, and some time to cut up my fruits and vegetable so that I can at least eat healthy.

Most of all, I can find time to look at what's ahead of me. I am forty-four and frightened of growing old sick and poor. The years are catching up so fast, and I feel like never before that I have to be on my toes and plan and prepare well so that I won't get old cranky and a a pain in the ass to others.

The fascinating thing about this stage of not-anymore-too young-to-doubt-and-still-not-too-old-to-give-up is the certainty that I will know what I want to do in my old age and I will know what I will be able to do to get there, if given the chance for some ME TIME.

Needless to say, I am hating my work right now for taking up all my strength and time and energy.
I have forgotten how it feels to have a passion -- when I used to be passionate about dancing, learning a new language, writing.

But all of that is going to change.

If the now is going to stay bad for some time, I will make sure to have time at least for dreaming. I will no longer allow them to take that away from me.To pursue my passions, to be healthy, to be rich. To be of help to others in a really significant and tangible way.

I will stop focusing on the limitations of my current situation and start building a mental vision of my future. That is what I am going to do. To hell with the office who don't know the meaning of work-life balance. (I am still really mad.)